Running Up That Hill
by NessaYume
Summary: "You've never been afraid of death. Walking the line that separates brave and crazy. But it's just one more thing that makes you, you." The last night through Matt's eyes. What was his only regret?


Ä/N: This fic wormed its way into my head as soon as I hear this song. I finally figured out how I wanted to write it, and I hope you like it.

**It doesn't hurt me.**

**You wanna feel how it feels?**

**You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?**

**You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?**

**You be running up that hill**

**You and me be running up that hill**

You're suck an idiot, Mello. Did you know that? You're brilliant mind just can't grasp what I've been trying to tell you for years. You can't see the conflicting emotions in my eyes. I always make sure of that with the goggles I keep on all the time. Oh, how I want to show you how I feel. Did you even know my eyes are as green as yours are blue? Probably not. Though it's not your fault. Not one bit. It's mine. And here I am now. I sit here on the couch listening to your plan. How I will shoot off a smoke grenade and distract everyone, providing you with a good cover. And you? You're kidnapping Takada. One of Kira's pawns. And you know this. You know Kira will kill her in a heart beat. Yet you want to take this chance. And I can't do anything to stop you, can I? Of course not. You never have, and never will listen to me. Why would you? I've never given you a good enough reason. Sure, we're 'best friends'.. As close as two Wammy kids can be. But is that enough? No. And it never will me. Not to stop this suicide mission. But it's ok. I forgive you, Mello. I understand you on a level like no other. And I'll follow you to the grave if I have to.

**And if I only could,**

**Make a deal with God,**

**And get him to swap our places,**

**Be running up that road,**

**Be running up that hill,**

**Be running up that building.**

**If I only could, oh...**

You're crying now. When I spoke and told you the chances of survival are minimal, you dropped to your knees, threw your arms around my waist, and started to cry into my lap. Why? I'm not completely positive. I know you don't want to die. You've never been afraid of death. Walking the line that separates brave and crazy. But it's just one more thing that makes you, you. I don't even know how long I sit here with you crying like this. I try to console you to the best of my ability. But fuck, Mels. I grew up with you being my only friend. You don't cry. So I have no idea how to even go about making it better. Especially if I don't even know what the hell is wrong. I _want_ to old you in my arms. To run my fingers through your hair. To whisper sweet words in your ear. To kiss away your tears. To make love to you in case I never get another chance. But how can I? You wouldn't even hesitate to push me away. Hell, you'd probably kick my ass. And the idea to go through it to even get you to stop crying is so very tempting. It truly is. But I just can't move. I'm frozen here, heart aching.

**You don't want to hurt me,**

**But see how deep the bullet lies.**

**Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.**

**There is thunder in our hearts, baby.**

**So much hate for the ones we love?**

**Tell me, we both matter, don't we?**

Your plan is that _I_ will survive. And _you_ will more than likely die. But me? No. I'm not supposed to. Why are you so ignorant, Mels? Why? Can't you see there is no life for me without you? How badly I _need_ you in life _and_ death? I will follow you to hell and back if I have to. Mello, I would trade places with you in a heart beat. If I thought suddenly 'finding God' and praying to him would help, I would do it. I would beg him to spare you. Or to take me instead. I would take your place without a second thought or care. I want you to live so badly. You deserve to live a _happy_ life, Mello. You really do. How can you do that if you die tomorrow? You can't. Can't you see, Mello? The world needs you. You're so fucking amazing. Look at what you're willing to do. What you _will_ do. Sacrificing yourself for the greater good. To help _Near_. You're childhood rival. You know this can't keep going on. Kira is winning, and that is unacceptable to you. Even if it means helping the one person you hate (besides Kira himself that is), you'll do it. Let him take all the glory. Not even get a thank you. Not get an acknowledgment. Nothing. You will dies unknown. Not as Mello. Nor as L's successor. The world will know you as Takada's kidnapper. Possibly even her killer. But do you care? No. Because we will know. Near never would've gotten the win without your sacrifice. You want me to join him when your gone? Never. No, Mels. _NEVER._

**You, be running up that hill**

**You and me, be running up that hill**

**You and me won't be unhappy.**

I pick you up in my arms and carry you to the bed that we switch off using. You need it more than I do tonight, Mello. You need to rest so you can get through tomorrow ok. Alive. For me. If you die, Mello, so do I. I wouldn't be able to go on without your smart ass comments. Your teeth breaking off that damn chocolate you love so much. The chocolate I'm _jealous_ of. Did you know you're the reason I hate chocolate so much? Just because I've never wanted to be an inanimate object so badly before. I lay your sleeping form down on the bed, and for a moment, allow myself to indulge in moving the hair from your eyes, the strands slipping through my fingers. But as I try to move away, your fingers close around my wrist firmly. I look back down at you. You have unshed tears in your eyes. I still don't know why exactly.

**And if I only could,**

**Make a deal with God,**

**And get him to swap our places,**

**Be running up that road,**

**Be running up that hill,**

**Be running up that building,**

**If I only could, oh...**

"Promise me, Matt. Promise me, that you will live." You say, voice shaky, Your eyes are pleading. Those crystal blue eyes that I can get lost in forever. Did you know they turn icy, almost gray when your so upset? I just leaned that today as well. I want to promise you, I really do. Anything to take away the pain. To make you feel better. To reassure you. But once again, I can't give you what you need. When you need it the most, I fail you. Because I can't lie to you. You slowly sit up, face to face with me. You right hand moves my own red hair from my face. Your left hand joins it on the other side, and fingers slip under the elastic strap of my goggles. I feel you pull them away for the first time since I've met you. How did it take you so long to see me like this, Mello? You gasp a little, muttering something about how bright and absolutely _green_ they are. You want to know why I always hide them. I still can't answer you. I can't lie. But I can't tell you the reason either. I don't want to ruin our last night alive. But then tears start streaming down your face once again, and you're begging me to "Please live, Matty." I just can't take it. I want you to stop asking. It kills my on the inside that I can't fulfill your request. But you keep begging. So what do I do? I watch your lips as they form the words again, but I don't hear them. No. I can't. Oh, but I _do._ My lips are on yours in a second. My hands are on the back of your head, holding you to me. And you? After your initial shock. _You're actually kissing me back._

**'C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,**

**Let me steal this moment from you now.**

**C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,**

**Let's exchange the experience, oh...'**

Passion ignites. You pull me to you, desperately. Needy. Oh, God, Mello. Do you even know how badly I wanted this? How badly I needed this? To feel you wanting me as badly as I want you. Needing me as bad as I need you? I feel you tugging at my striped shirt, and I can't help the moan that escapes my lips. I can only take that as the green light, and hope you don't regret it in the morning. Regret it if we do live. My hands have a mind of their own. My lips are moving down your jaw and throat to your collarbone. As my fingers unzip your vest, my lips follow. I nip at each nipple teasingly, eliciting the most enticing sounds from deep within you. After I have your vest off, I push you back onto the bed, and you actually go willingly. There is no fight for dominance. You're giving yourself over to me. When I whisper your name, you correct me. Mihael Keehl. That's your _real_ name. The name you want to hear from my lips, and only mine. The one person you trust with your name. I smile at you. Did you know my real name is Mail Jeevas? Now you do. You bite your lip as you ask me.. _Mail_.. to make love you you. Your fingers undo my belt and fly. So I stand and push my jeans and boxers off my hips. When you lick your lips, I can't take it. I'm on you, untying the laces to your pants, and pulling them down your creamy legs, thanking whatever god exists you were barefoot. I can't help myself, Mello. I need to taste you. So I swoop down and take you deep into my mouth. I use my right hand to circle the base of your cock. My left hand is coated in saliva, a finger slowly pushing into your entrance. You let out a small gasp and tense up for a moment. Then I let another finger join it. And another. By now, you're calling my name like a sacred mantra. Your voice is already raspy from the effort. Then you pull me up to your eye level. "_Now, Matty.. I need you now.."_ I moan as I slide into you. You throw your head back with a moan, your back arching of the bed. It's the sexiest thing I have ever fuckin seen. We move together for what feels like hours. Moaning each others names repeatedly. If you bite your lip one more time, Mello, I'll lose it. You're so _free_ in bed. You moan and whither under me. Your hands roam free. I just can't take it anymore. I'm about to wrap my hand around you once again, but you come all over us both before I can, calling out my name loudly, _"Mail! I love you, Mail. I love you."_ You cry out. Fuck, how long I've wanted to hear that. To feel this, and I loose myself to the orgasm. "I love you too, Mihael. I always have."

**And if I only could,**

**Make a deal with God,**

**And get him to swap our places,**

**Be running up that road,**

**Be running up that hill,**

**With no problems**

**With no problems**

It's the next morning. We share a few sweet kisses and a long, languid shower where I make love to you again. Neither of us want to face reality. What today is. But eventually, we have to. We dress slowly, helping each other as an excuse to just touch. Right before we walk out, you put my goggles onto my eyes, and I slide your rosary over your head. We walk down to our respected vehicles hand in hand, and I kiss you one last time before you ride of to get into place. I take a deep breath and follow through with my end of the plan. Did you know Takada had so many damn body guards? I could probably evade them easily. I know I could. Slam through the cars and make a hole myself. My car could handle it. I could even get away before they could scramble after me. But do I? No. Why? Because I _know_ you're going to die, Mello. And I _need_ to be with you. Please forgive me. I'm a coward, I know. But I can't do it alone. So I step out of my car, make a show of reaching for my gun as I say something stupid to them that I know is a lie.. And the world turns black. The only light I see is your face. Your eyes. Mello, I love you. I'll wait for you.

**'If I only could, be running up that hill.'**

**'If I only could, be running up that hill.' **

**'If I only could, be running up that hill.' **

**'If I only could, be running up that hill.' **

**'If I only could, be running up that hill.' **

**'If I only could, be running up that hill.' **

**'If I only could, be running up that hill.' **

I wandered forever. Just waiting. Refusing to pass on without you. Looking for you for when you meet me here. Where do I find you? Watching a church burn. I know it's where you died. How ironic, eh Mello? I call to you, and you turn. Surprise. Despair. Anger. _"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LIVE!" _ You yell at me and fall to your knees once again. I move forward, unafraid this time,and pull you up into my arms. Mello. You have worked so hard. So have I. Can't you understand? I can't and don't want to do it anymore. Not alone. Not without you. No. Never without you. I hold you tight to. Your anger dissolves back to despair and you ask my why over and over. What can I say? I was never one for words like you. My Mello. My Mihael. So I kiss you again, and you melt into my arms. You cling to me desperately, and I have no complains. When we pull apart, I offer you a small smile as my thumbs wipe away the tears from under your beautiful crystal eyes. "Because.. I love you Mihael. I love you too damn much. Forgive me, but I couldn't exist without you, when _I was created_ _for_ _you._" You pull me into another kiss, and I know you can't stay mad at me. My only regret in life? I didn't tell you how I felt sooner. We wasted so much time. But now? We have eternity together.

_**end**_

A/N: Song used: "Running Up That Hill" by Placebo.


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